The Chronicle of Liberation Operation of Okraine by Pussia Ended With a Victory by the Glorious Kingdom of Papuatu

This is an eyewitness account of the events happened not long ago that completely reshaped the political reality of everything around us in a way that we the least expected. But everything is in its own order.

Few necessary facts. Pussia was a country to the north-east from everything. It was said to have a rich history going back at least thirty five thousand years. According to prominent historians and archaeological evidence, it reached its cultural and intellectual peak about thirty four thousand years ago and since then stayed on the stable plateau. For the last ninety or so years it was managed by some Slutin who was initially an officer in strategic war planning division. His primary responsibility was to wipe vomit from the tables after strategic war planning meetings and, at night, he worked as a boy in underground officers’ brothel. Thanks to his talents, he reached the rank of the colonel and entered the field of politics where his secondary skills served him well to propel to the post of general manager of the country. Not knowing any skills other than learned at the brothel, he still successfully managed to employ them in governance, only by reversing roles, where governors, generals and foreign ministers were partnering with him to ride the country.

On May 9 he declared a liberation operation of Okraine. Historians are still debating the motives. One opinion was that as the name of Okraine is translated as the “edge”, it was really at the edge of civilized world, slowly sliding into it and Mr Slutin was really worried that the slide may eventually extend to neighboring Pussia, thus suddenly bringing it in the contact with the rest of civilized world. Another, more pragmatic view, was that on the map of the world hanging in Mr Slutin’s office — which was centered on Pussia — Okraine occupied the whole corner, quite inconveniently, and that erasing it from that corner seemed to be a logical solution. Most probable explanation, though, was that Mr Slutin was suffering from gonorrhea and suddenly decided to liberate Okraine just for the hell of it.

This way or another, in the early hours of May 9 Pussian army entered Okraine. To sell the operation favorably to Pussian public, Slutin’s strategists devised an ingenious plan. Half of Pussian soldiers were camouflaged with Okranian insignia, this was filmed and presented to Pussian populace as an attempt of Okraine to invade itself, where the rest of Pussian army was playing the role of liberators. The bait worked. 81% of Pussian population claimed to have fervently and wholeheartedly supported the operation. The government went as far as benevolently allowing opponents of the invasion to go on the streets to express their protest. All 562 of them went out, were quickly rounded, sent to the far north and quietly executed. After that, support for the operations shot to 100% — at least among those who was able to articulate their opinion: this excluded 91% of the total population who were either chronically drunk alcoholics or were their mentally retarded children.

On the second hour of the invasion, though, things went terribly wrong for Pussia. Half of the army dressed as Okranians were supposed to shed the insignia shortly after crossing the border. The timing of the order though came unfortunately late and that half of the army was shredded to smithereens by the other half in a matter of hours. Over 150 thousands were slaughtered in the first day of operation before Okranians even came to their wits. Then, language misunderstanding between the fleet of Pussian warships and a small Okranian patrol ship led the former into a mine field set by their own reconnaissance ships a day before. 150 of the warships sank, 30 thousands of sailors perished. Then, an unfortunate GPS calibration glitch in the Pussian airplanes forced them to veer towards their own territory which they successfully bombed before being summarily shot down by Pussian air defense system which worked flawlessly on that day. 100 thousand of Pussian civilians on the ground died and all 500 war planes were pulverized.

All of that required a change of the strategy, especially after chief strategist of the Pussian army was accidentally stomped down in the excitement of the first hours of operations.The new chief of staff ordered an emergency mobilization across the rehab centers and state prisons which collectively housed up to 51% of the Pussian populace. This new reinforcement quickly turned the tide of the war: over half of Okranian territory was quickly occupied and things were not looking good for Okranians. Then they appealed for help to their Civilized Neighbors.

This is where things got complicated. The matter is that Pussia was supplying over 80% of entertainment products to Civilized World in the form of reality shows.These shows, that were simply filming regular life in Pussia, were so unbearably hilarious that bulk of the population in Civilized Countries became irreparably addicted to them. Stopping the exports would have rendered a terrible shock to economies and well being of Civilized Countries. Instead, in order teach Pussia a harsh lesson, they devised ingenious sanction. After two weeks of deliberation, they announced that Pussian leadership circle will no longer be allowed to play golf near the Civilizeds’ research station on the South Pole. Pussia immediately responded back by banning Civilizeds to sing their patriotic songs within a mile radius from their Marsian rover. That was quite unexpected and, fearing further escalation of hostilities, Civilized Neighbors retreated into prolonged deliberation of possible actions that would have avoided of putting them in harms way. Meanwhile Pussian troops continued their advance onto Okranian territory.

This is when Papuatu declared war on Pussia. First it went unnoticed. The ministry of Papuatu’s agriculture and foreign affairs put a notice in the notice section of their government web site — which was available only an hour per day to save on internet provider costs. They also sent an email to Pussian government — which automatically was diverted to spam box since it came from unrecognizable domain. In that email Papuatu threatened retaliatory actions if Pussia did not withdraw from Okraine within 24 hours and did not pay 100 billions in the benefit of Papuatu’s fishing industry.

In 24 hours the largest Pussian air carrier was blown to pieces. All 3000 aboard went to sea bottom. Pussians initially suspected foul play from the side of Civilized Neighbors and were already preparing to start Twenty Seventh World War. Civilized Neighbors although vehemently denied involvement and even offered help in investigation of the incident. This is when minor clerk in Pussian defense ministry, while idly searching internet, stumbled upon a notice on Papuatu’s government web site claiming responsibility for destruction of air carrier and threatening even more action. Suspecting a prank, the clerk dialed the number on the web site and, after pressing 5 on his phone, heard a recorded message about the next planned action the following day at 9am local time. This is when his next working day was going to start. He came to the office intending to tell the joke to his supervisor but managed only to open his mouth. At 9am sharp, defense ministry, as well as the whole complex of government buildings went into the air and eventually settled down as a million cubic meters of fine gray dust.

This is when Pussians took notice. An escadrille of military planes with a thousand of elite paratroopers immediately took off in the direction of Papuatu, intending to deal it away, once and forever. But due to its small size and remote location, the planes were having hard to locate it in the middle of the ocean, ultimately missed it, and eventually crashed in the Southern Ocean, having run out of fuel, taking all elite paratroopers with them.

Papuatu meanwhile raised the stakes. Demands now included complete capitulation and reparations during the next hundred years in the form of 50% concession from the sale of reality shows to Civilized Countries. It was too much for Pussians. A hundred of ballistic missiles with hyper high precision target systems blasted off in the direction of Papuatu. But since they’ve never been trained on such a small target, they missed it as well, flew around the globe and exploded in various corners of Pussia destroying most of the factories producing reality shows and killing significant part of the population. Things now were not looking good for Pussians. To make things worse, Papuatu’s secret service agents managed to sneak into secret bunker of Slutin’s military council and kidnap Slutin and his entire council just at the moment they were exercising their regular morning routine. All of them were delivered to secret Papuatu’s military base at undisclosed location. There, they were quickly inspected by medical examiner and, to the utter surprise of examiner, were identified as previously unknown species of mutant pests. To prevent their unintended spread, they were quickly disposed of in industrial incinerator.

The rest of the history is well known. Pussia capitulated and was made a colony of Papuatu for the next five hundred years. During this time, Pussians fully adopted the culture and language of Papuatu and became virtually indistinguishable from inhabitants of their metropole. After that, they regained partial independence, still part of Papuatu’s dominion with Papuatu’s king still playing a honorable head of state role. Peace and harmony rein over that land ever since.